Dear Diary,

Today i learn that i might not seeing my process but the others did. They think i work on it. But honestly i doubt myself i've done my best because i haven't see the result yet. I still think that i would fail several aspects. Two man had been stood on a room with me for about 3 days and we talk a lot about life. I learn that everyone has their zero points and i might not see it. Why? Because i ain't close to them. Who says everyone perfect? Well yeah, no. It's just... i had no qualities to be compared to anybody. I mean, how bad anyone on the past wouldn't matter if you had meet your process and be a good guy in the present. And i don't think i had reach that one yet. 

You can call me a self-centered person, but i felt like everywhere is a dangerous place. No place would suitable for me to stay. Anyone can stab me in anytime. I had this so-called anxiety which has mindset : 'Hey do you know her? That epic story. That one bitch with his trashy ex. Long time ago she .............' . You'll think i'm crazy for always putting such negative thought on everyone but i'm not blind. I could sense how people see me. I'm not that stupid and optimistic to plainly believe that it's just my imagination. What i really wondered is, how come people can survive that kind of situation? I truly haven't been able to survive. I'm always seeking for a protection by being such an anti-socializing person who stays passive unless you showed me and spit it out on my face that i'm a human who deserve to live happily also. I need that one kind of words that prove me i'm not a bad person, i'm not a monster, i'm not a failure, etc. 

How can people accept me despite of my past? Well i'm not an attention-seeker, nor a type of person who'll asking everyone to love me. I'm tired. I had giving up on my real life environment just because i think i had enough people who accept me for who i am. But here is the problem, every time i should go out of my comfort zone i feel like i can't hold on. Till when i'm gonna stay in my own shell. Till when i'm gonna scared of how people stared at me. Who's gonna pull me out of my shell.

From what i get just 2 hours ago, no matter how my past is, it's in the past. If i could be a successful person (i hope so , someday) i could prove that i went on my zero points and i fix it by becoming the best version of myself. 

Things i should avoid for now : Fake people, 'a pretend-that-i-don't-know-your-problem-unless-you-tell-me-your-shit people, an escaper, and 'a-pretend-like-we-have-no-problem-at-all people. 

No one specifically mentioned because i think no one gonna suit this until they do it them self. And i'm in a comfortable state enough to put my wall for a while so i can reduce all this lousy brain. I need peace. Just so you know if i'm still talking to you with a respect even if i'm seldom texting you it means you haven't done anything wrong. It's just me and how i'm managing this messy emotion.

Reset

Monday, 15th April 2019

Dear Diary,

Hari ini gue memutuskan untuk memulai semuanya dari nol lagi. Gue masih mikir apakah ini sekedar gue yang mendadak ga mampu ngendaliin emosi gue sendiri beberapa bulan ini atau emang kondisi gue yang sekarang lagi ngepressure di segala sisi. Saat pergantian tahun kemarin, gue netepin goal hidup gue sekaligus pencapaian kecil apa yang bisa gue improve seiring waktu. Di malam tahun baru itu, gue cuma berdoa biar gue jadi pribadi yang lebih besabar, ga over-thinking, dan lapang dada. Baru 4 bulan berjalan dan ternyata semuanya berantakan. Gue merasa diri gue diuji melebihi batas kemampuan gue. I can't handle shit as if i've never face it before. It's like i'm walking in a whole loop with a rigid road. Everything's at the bottom felt so hard and broke. 

Bukan pertama kalinya buat gue ngalamin perbedaan , pengasingan, ataupun penghianatan. Mungkin ini kedengeran lebay, tapi itulah yang gue lewatin sepanjang 4 tahun kebelakang. Yang ngebuat gue ngerasa gue kembali ke titik nol adalah karena gue ga mampu nge-hold semua yang gue rasain kayak biasanya. I distrust people. A lot. Even the closest one feels like a sharpened words day by day. Alam bawah sadar gue sebenernya tau bahwa gue sebenernya ga se-miserable itu , masih banyak yang peduli dan nyemangatin gue. Tapi kenapa bahkan kata-kata : "have a nice day!" , "semangat!" , "lo pasti bisa." terasa klise buat gue?

Spending my time to think about it, gue nemu akar masalahnya dimana. Semua ini diawali dari hal yang terulang lagi, untuk kedua kalinya. Ini soal gue yang mencoba mendekatkan diri gue ke kodrat gue sebagai perempuan. Gue nyoba untuk senormal mungkin dengan bergaul akrab sama sesama cewek. Ngebuka pintu hati gue buat nyambut orang yang mau masuk ke kehidupan gue. Seperti yang udah - udah, 4 bulan berlalu and things didn't go well as i expected. I fight for no particular reason and i didn't even understand why she start the fire. Hal ini bukan soal apa yang dia lakuin bikin gue nyelekit, tapi kenyataan bahwa gue cukup bego untuk bisa sampe ada di kondisi ini. Fakta bahwa gue itu cuma kambing dongo yang ga dengerin nasihat orang lain sebelum gue ngambil keputusan gue. Gue gagal lagi. Gue gagal mencegah diri gue sendiri terlibat sama masalah yang gaperlu. Itu ngelukain harga diri gue. I've been trying to tell myself to focus on my own priorities and forget the unimportant issues. It's been 2 months and i can't get over the fact that i failed myself. Gue mikir dan mikir dan mikir dan mikir terus : Salah gue apa? Kurang gue apa? Apa gue gapernah berubah ke arah yang lebih baik? . Gue jadi ragu sama diri gue sendiri. 

Selain itu ada kondisi yang mendukung gue makin ngerasa diri gue worthless. Iya, cara orang memperlakukan gue. Gue selalu ngerasain perbedaan drastis dari orang-orang tertentu dalam memperlakukan orang yang gue peduliin dan diri gue. Perbedaannya jauh, dan gue selalu ngerasa gue terlihat buruk / ga baik seolah gue pernah bikin kesalahan fatal sebelumnya. Jujur, ini ngebuat gue sakit hati setiap kali gue harus keluar dari lingkaran gue sendiri. Gue gasuka dipandang buruk. Gue takut dipandang buruk. Whenever that kind of situation happens, i feel like, i have no place to stand. Nowhere to go. I'm on my own feet. Gue emang ga minta semua orang untuk suka sama gue, tapi suka atau gasuka , haruskah gue tau? haruskah gue ngerasain apa yang lo rasain ke gue? Salah gue apa? Apa eksistensi gue yang salah disini? Did i even belong here? Dimulai dari lingkungan yang pernah terpaksa gue tumpangin selagi susah, sampe di circle gue sendiri. Gimana gue mau percaya sama orang lain. Gimana gue ga emosi sama hal-hal kecil yang bikin gue ngerasa gue ga dihargain atau gue ga sepenting itu. Gimana gue ga muak sama kondisi gue. Gimana gue mau hidup positif dan tetep jalanin semua tanggung jawab gue kalo gue ngerasa gue gapunya apa-apa dan siapa-siapa. Gue hampa. Yang gue rasain di diri gue cuma sakit, yang ada di otak gue cuma semua kejadian yang udah-udah dan fakta bahwa gue survive sendirian. 

Maka dari itu gue memutuskan untuk nge-reset hidup gue. Sampe akhirnya gue bangun dan sadar sama apa yang bener-bener gue punya dan apa yang cuma sekedar kesempurnaan yang gue kejar. Maaf kalo mental gue lemah. Gue minta maaf. Tapi gue lelah. I'm a human too, you know?