Imprisoned

Dear diary,

I'm writing out my thoughts again. I'm tired trying to get control of my own feelings. Things which surrounded me lately is really unstable, bringing all the weird feelings with a mix of anger, sadness, disappointment, and a need to understand that it all has to be happened. Making myself vulnerable is hard, every bits of the feeling hurts me, opening each of unwanted wound i don't even want to feel. The feeling of unappreciated is getting bigger and bigger, a one-sided effort i put for each closest person which would not be acknowledged--or even return. I'm fully aware that universe has their own way to work, but God, i just lost track on how i can control myself.

I guess i need my safe space as always, learn to recollecting my thoughts, let my brain takeover the role in analyzing the situation, and bring a chance for me to have a conversation with myself.

I'm asking myself why i need to let everything being talked about while the truth is i just need a time to be alone. I once think it's good for the one i love that they can understand my thoughts or feelings, but it's just too much. Being honest about it means being ready in receiving the feedback, and i'm not good at swallowing all of it. Getting opposed, unsupported, feeling blamed, wronged, and being a bad person is haunting me. One said it's too much and seems mean, i said that was exactly how i felt through all the sudden bad things. Complexity of how bad it is and how people responses starts to blur to the point i don't understand on which one hurting me the most. 

I need to admit i hate being perceived as a bad guy. Holding a title too long ain't make me proud of it. And then i asked to myself: How is it so easy to make me the most sinful person on earth just because i let all my thoughts out at once? How is it so wrong? What's need to be hold on for? How is it easier for others splashing out all the anger and disappointment towards something without the need to think if what they did is too far?

I saw everything, even the worst type of anger expression. I saw how people trying to cope with things to the point it might harm them. I saw it, i learnt it. I'm telling myself not to get caught too much on it so i'm holding on. 

But why can't i? 

Why spouting many words are too much? What is the limitation of how you express all the words? Who sets it? I was raised in a harsh way, on how much should i adjust with the standards? 

These kind of thoughts killing me. Cause again, i'm feeling like i'm not allowed to. I don't have the rights to say the meanest words that i thought i might completely sends off the anger. At the end of the road, it's a self blame waiting to accompany me because someone said it's too much. By being too much is perceived as wrong. 

Who are you to judge my disappointment and sadness though?

To stop the bleed, i just need to be colder. I decide to let every pains comes in and telling myself that "maybe next time the things happened are unintentional too, so don't be hurt by it. You know and you can understand it".

I'm wondering on which actions i actually do now. Do i strengthen the bridge? Or do i burn the bridge just like how i always do?

This imprisoned feelings of mine, where will i bring it in the end?